MY BATHROOM

And in the beginning there was a bathroom, where the multitude washed, and rejoiced. But it came to pass, that the lavatory cistern forebore to fill, and I came unto it and spake thus, saying: ‘Wherefore dost thou say thou art a lavatory cistern, if thou shalt not fill?’ And I siezed the fill valve, and wrenched off the ball cock, and scattered them upon the ground, and gloried in fitting new parts, that there should be water. And there was water, and it was good.

Then it came to pass, that there was water even in the cistern, but that it forbore to leave the cistern, and that waggling the handle with wrath produced only a gurgle. And I smote the cistern, and cursed its ancestors, and demanded: wherefore dost thou proclaim ideal standards, when thou flouteth even the laws of the lowest of the low, the plumbers who were expelled from the Garden of Eden? And what is the flushing point of a cistern which shall not flush? Answer came there none, and the flushing valve was torn from its roots and cast into the wilderness, and replaced by another which promised obedience.

And there was peace, until I was awoken by one of my wives, saying, ‘There is water which uttereth forth from the shower within the bathroom.’ And I said unto her, for she is an obedient wife, that quite often understandeth not, ‘Lo, for it is written, where there shall be a shower, so water shall utter forth, and it is good.’ And she gnashed her teeth, and rent her garment, saying: ‘Not out of the on/off switch,’ and there was a great wailing and keening amongst the tribe, for their rituals were curtailed, and henceforth none could anoint herself with Tesco shower gel, and all walked in the valley of the shadow of death.

And a curse was put upon the shower, and a flood of shekels poured from my purse, and a new shower arose in place of the old. And the old shower was driven from the home of my ancestors, and plunged into the humiliation of recycling.

Then in the bathroom was peace. The shower water fell like a gentle rain, the lavatory roared deep its waterfall, and all was good.

Above the bathroom, situated toward the heavens, sat the tank from which the goodness of water flowed into the tender scene below, and yea, as thou hath guessed, its ballcock was rent asunder and it overfloweth, and a flood poured upon the lands, filling the recycling bins and rushing through the side passage, smiting all in its path.

All this I speak is true, and hath come to pass within three weeks in the chosen land, O little town of Orpington. And it is a sign: build not ye hopes upon plumbing neither the depths nor the heights, but go forth, and make an ark.